the best part of waking up....

Ahh, raise your hand if you've had bad coffee. Keep your arm raised if you're consuming bad coffee at this moment.


Now put your arm down and dump out that coffee, dummy.


Remember the time when the good cartoons were broadcast on Saturday mornings? A time when Barney hadn't yet been brought back from extinction. Looney Tunes, Tom & Jerry, even Garfield. A time when it was acceptable for cartoon characters to emote through actions and not dialogue; classical music created the mood for each scene, followed by a long break; then Bugz dropped the funny. Remember that?


During this time, ground coffee commercials were run back-to-back: Folgers, Maxwell House, and Taster's Choice, among other Nescafé products. Large tin cans holding dry (i.e. oil-less), off-brown (but with an artificial sheen) coffee; it was usually odor-free until steeped with hot water.


Remember how the white male, wearing a Hanes white undershirt, slept in while his high school sweetheart housewife snuck out of bed to make coffee? She would take the tin can from their white, all-American kitchen cupboard and scoop a little dirty, brown callus rubbed off of someone's toe into the 1/8 cup measure and then place it in a filter. Of course, this is when the brown haired, ivy-league, cut male arose and took a deep breath of _________ and go downstairs for some coffee. Actually, I'll fill in the blank for you: loose stool.


Now, there is a clear exception to this, which is somewhat of a mystery to me. Diners. Especially greasy diners. Now, I have no idea what kind of coffee they use, and I admit that it isn't always good by itself - but after a late night of drinking [caffeinated soda while studying the Old Testament], it tastes great with some greasy eggs, bangers, and hash. Please take note - this does not weaken my original argument.


So, where does this leave us? McDonalds? Starbucks?


No.


As a barista and coffee "nancy," I ask you not to take your business to Starbucks. If you like your coffee hot and fast, then please go to McDonalds or "push-button" Starbucks. If you drink coffee, espresso, and espresso drinks for the actual flavors, I ask you to try to visit a real, usually local, café.


Now, I can't guarantee that this coffee is going to be exceptional; actually, it could end up being quite bad. If you want to find great coffee, find it here. I admit, the site isn't fully updated, but hopefully with more clicks and some time, it can become an actual resource to find good coffee.


If you find yourself in Wisconsin, I would check out Alterra or Café Soleil. A Madison (WI) standout is Bradburys, using beans from Viroqua, WI - all local and delicious. New York is proudly home to great cafés like Ninth Street Espresso and Café Grumpy while Brooklyn represents Gorilla Coffee and Gimme Coffe, to name a few. Intelligentsia is a shop with locations in L.A. and Chicago and offers an explosion of flavor - their Blackcat espresso is butters.


So, take a little time and effort to find the best cup for you. If you're afraid of a straight ristretto doppio (a double espresso - notice how I spell "espresso" - that is the way it should also be pronounced, not like an idiot-coward "exprexxo"), you shouldn't be. But if you're not convinced, try a macchiato - probably the best drink on this planet, when made correctly.


To all the café owners reading this: Please train your baristas. Also:
1) Start pulling standard ristrettos
2) Toss the Rancilio and purchase a Syneso or La Marzocco
3) Consider a triple-basket portafilter (without spouts)
4) Keep your artificial flavor list at Cocoa - customers who drink Vanilla-Carmel-Strawberry Lattes don't tip
5) No Half-caf - and once your shop is making some serious money - no decaf


Oh, if you want to act a fool and skip doing the dishes, check out this tomfoolery.


So give that 5-year old, unopened tin can of Folgers to the food pantry and visit your local café - if it's not good, then do some research and next time you're in a major city or a coffee city (Seattle or Portland), give it another shot. Also, even if your drink is bad, you should remember to tip your barista. And if your drink is good, you should get another one and tip more.


In conclusion,

TIP YOUR BARISTA.