batman is to robin as toilet is to ___________

[i know this is a day late - my lady-friend can vouch as a witness seeing that we were both outside a cafe last night at 11pm trying to find a wireless connection. people who live on the west side shouldn't be poor, or not have internet. gawd. now for the good stuff...]



The humidity if finally here! Don't you hate being poor and without air conditioning? Trying to go to bed on top of your covers, just drenched in your own perspiration? Or how about a long night of drinking followed by a stop at Taco Bell or that 24hr. Indian curry joint, and then trying to go to bed, in the same humidity... After a month-long escapade to Brazil last year, I discovered the next best thing to air conditioning. The bidet.


A splash in the butt has never been so refreshing!


It's like sitting on an ice cold bike seat, but better. Now, I don't want you all thinking that I do weird stuff to my butt, I'm just passing this information on to those who have the opportunity to use a bidet. I personally do not own one [and I don't manually recreate the experience either!].


So, the bidet is the French word for pony - so saddle up when you use one, and make sure to use one hand to hold the reigns, the other to keep your cowboy hat on, and remember to also use horse commands like "heeyah" or "whoa girl."


Wikipedia says that "bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus." Now, this being a very well reputable source, we could probably just go with it - but for you scholars out there, I would find another source to confirm the quoted statement. Most of us probably already knew this information, but one thing that caught my attention is the some people use bidets to wash their feet. Neat!


Wikipedia then goes on to teach us that there may be some American resistance to bidet usage. One reason hypothesizes that WWII soldiers first introduced to bidets in French brothels found bidets unsanitary due to the notion of prostitutes using them to douche after sexual intercourse.


So, for all of you environmental conservatives (sounds awful, doesn't it?), we can save paper and water [and feel great] if we start putting bidets in our houses and public restrooms.


Tomorrow, I will present you all with a double bonus bathroom companion. Look out for this item on my wedding registry and in my future 5 bedroom house (ONE bath). Either way, I do plan on owning a bidet, and if any of you are so fortunate to be invited to my future home (you'll be able to park in either my heated, underground garage, or my swimming pool, emptied by the DEA and FBI after they find out I've been dumping it and then just throwing $300/person pool parties), please don't pee in the bidet - that's the second worst possible thing you could do.


So next time you're trying to pull an all-nighter, quit drinking the coffee and turn off the loud music. Just take a quick 20 minute, ice cold bidet break and you'll be forced to be focused. You might not be able to sit after following my directions, so make sure to set aside some work or studies you can perform while standing. Also, if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, call your doctor.